A blog by Amanda Alcantara

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Light as a feather

This past month has been about confrontations. I have confronted loved ones, friends, and even colleagues. Apparently, these confrontations are happening as a result of moving in with my partner very soon--it's almost like part of me knows that I must either end or fix my relationships with others before creating a new nucleus that will become the center of life. I must build a new home without bringing fractures from ex-homes with me.

And this has brought on a lot of emotions of anger, guilt, frustration and lack of empathy.

Some might think that ending is harder than fixing, that ending relationships comes with more pain than fixing some. I wish this was true. I wish that purging was harder than digesting. Yet it is not, because the relationships that need fixing are those that we can't simply throw away. The relationships that need mending are those that are so closely tide to our inner circles that releasing them would create more pain and harm than keeping them. Healing relationships is a painful process because it means opening wounds that others might not even know existed, wounds that have been buried so deep that healing them requires creating new injuries in order to reach the deeper ones. As a result of this, I have had to confront my own mistakes and insecurities, and I've also been reprimanded and told that I'm not good enough. This calling-out within personal spaces has been received with attacks on myself, and a lot of defensiveness. And yet I feel more loving than I have in a long time because the truth is out. At this point, I can only hope to continue the conversations, to show that I am coming from a place of love and respect. And yes, I'm also coming from a place of self-care. Our relationships with loved ones must be safe, and I have felt much more connected and safe around these people now, even if wounds have been opened.

As for purging, esa vaina feels so damn good. There are friendships and feelings that I have been clinging onto for a while as a result of insecurities stemming not just from having had relationships that felt validating because of the other person's popularity, but also from a place of fear in being left alone if I didn't somehow cling to every single one of these people. Yet, this past week, in trying to fix or revisit some of these friendships I recognized that relations change as our own lifestyles change - and that it's okay to just let go. This load also included wanting to make others regret their decisions about you: that well-known feeling of showing off of how well things are going for you to those who rejected you in the past. We all know this feeling, from Beyonce's "Single Ladies" to Kendrick Lamar's line in King Kunta "where were you when I was walking?", we're supposed to enjoy making others feel shitty for rejecting us and there's nothing really wrong with that.  Yet believe or not, that is a desire that once released makes us feel lighter than ever, and truly human.

And that's what I'm feeling right now, light as a feather.

Because I have been letting go of the desires for validation, as well as the fears that prevented me from confronting the people in my life, I am also not surprised that I have decided to take a break from organizing outside of projects within my inner circle, I've even taken a break from Twitter. You see,  so much of my energy has been invested in the movements mainly around racial equality that I haven't invested time in other places that desperately need them. There were two loses in the family this week that reminded me of the need to rebuild from within. The 3-year anniversary of my grandmother's death was also this week.

Pero summer is almost here, so are new beginnings. And for the first time, I feel like I'm embarking in this new beginning with the kind of bravery that I've never had before. I feel like I'm embarking in this new beginning with the selfishness that I have needed in order to let go of fear of what others think or others want. The selfishness that I have needed in order to let go of some self-imposed responsibilities and focus on creating and building.


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