A blog by Amanda Alcantara

Thursday, May 8, 2014

This isn't writer's block

I want to write.

I want to write about feeling like my emotions are more alive than ever, about how now more than ever I want to organize and dedicate my life to the movement.
Yet my brain feels dead.

I want to write about how I have so many arguments to make yet they all feel lost in this web of ideas connected to one thing: despair.
I want to write about feeling exhausted and not having any cohesion to turn my thoughts into conversation.
I want to write about these thoughts.
I want to write about the weight of being the one brown person in the room in most spaces.
I want to write about the savior complex in #bringbackourgirls.
I want to write against the argument for naturalización of haitianos in DR and instead argue for restitución.
I want to write about how I'm starting to dislike the term "Latina" because of it's exclusion of blackness.
I want to deconstruct the feelings inside me that make me want to hate on Junot Diaz even though he's pretty awesome.
I want to write about why I feel like I will be judged for having "I" and "want" on a post so much.
I want to write about anxiety, hetero-normative partnerships in our lives, and so much more.

How do we re-awaken creativity when our bodies are deprived of any autonomy during 9 hours of the day (or more)?
How do I fight to form these words when I've found safe communities yet am at loss of hope in society as a whole.

My brain feels static. Like it's floating somewhere detached from itself and my ideas are unable to be caught. It is in state where it can only be distracted by cute people, nice clothes, TV, food, nights in bars, mornings trying to throw in one last cuddle session with the pillow before the day begins. I guess this explains my recent purchases of stuff that I don't need.

In many ways, the lower-class has been conditioned to perpetuate its own block from leading a life where we have time for creativity.
Yet we need creativity.

I want creativity.
I want to write.


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