A blog by Amanda Alcantara

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Embracing the (fake) shittyness

I feel like shit. I guess as of right now I have nothing going for me- at least not by society's standards. So all please prepare for a long blog entry on feeling shitty over #firstworldproblems. Hopefully by the end of this I can regain some of my reputation and not come off as a spoiled American child.

  • I have no sustainable job...in fact I have a part-time job that I dread going to everyday. 
  • I have no energy whatsoever to do anything, and this ranges from things like hitting the gym to going out with friends at night. Both of which require money even though I doubt money is what's holding me back. In fact, I sleep 'till noon everyday. Even if I don't want to. Even if I place my alarm to 8am, I hit  snooze and snooze until I eventually give up.
  • I had a relationship, it was beautiful, and it only lasted 'till summer so now I'm going through a weird stage of missing someone and learning to say goodbye while embracing this awkward stage of being broke, and with no energy to do anything. And I have no interest whatsoever in being in a long-term relationship at all. I love being single and I'm tired of hearing shit about it.
  • I have student loans that I'm already paying for. 
  • I guess I should add that I have no kind of wealth waiting for me anywhere, everything that I have is borrowed- from the apartment that I rent, to the lack of security in my job, to the money that I earn that is already spent before it hits my bank account. The most permanent thing I have right now is the college diploma hanging on my wall, cuz shit, even life ain't permanent but that piece of paper can last hundreds of years inside that frame.
  • News lately has been making me sick: Shut up about Miley, Obama stay out of Syria, and the list goes on.
Okay, I guess my problems aren't too bad. But I still feel sad. And searching for job only adds to the pressure. But what if I wanna be sad? What if for one day I wanna just let myself be weak...I can't take a vacation because I can't afford it, so can I just take an emotional vacation?

Okay, technically I can't. Because that's not what I've been taught in the America that we live in. I mean, just listen to what Barack Obama said yesterday in his speech on the 50th anniversary of the march in DC: 

"Racial politics could cut both ways as the transformative message of unity and brotherhood was drowned out by the language of recrimination. And what had once been a call for equality of opportunity, the chance for all Americans to work hard and get ahead was too often framed as a mere desire for government support, as if we had no agency in our own liberation, as if poverty was an excuse for not raising your child and the bigotry of others was reason to give up on yourself."

No, I will not do that...I will not be lazy and ask for some sort of government support nor will I give up on myself... Instead I will work tirelessly and if I end up in an even darker hole- like homelessness, living off my parents, or doing some illegal shit- than it will be for the same reason as the rest of my fellow lower class Americans: because even if I try I kind of just have to accept that there haven't been enough job opportunities for people, especially people of color (oh well, too bad); also women just keep making less; and shit just happens, like traumatic experiences or straight up unexpected expenses (including stuff that I should totally see coming like Hurricane Sandy); and many other things that I kind of just have to suck up.

Clearly, as an American, I should not make excuses and just accept that if 1% earners of the country own 40% of the wealth than it's because those CEO's are working 380 times harder than an average earner (and I probably make less than an average earner already). Clearly, as President Obama and many others have insinuated, it must be some lower-class people thing that the gap between us and the rich has widened...We are not working enough people!!! 

Still, for tonight, I'll let myself be that lazy American in order to get tons of energy tomorrow. I'm gonna eat pizza, drink wine, finally watch Orange is the New Black, and probably cry for a bit. For tonight I'm gonna let myself become just a little poorer and embrace the shittyness of the lack of excitement that there is in my existence right now, and I say excitement not success because success isn't my thing right now: survival and enjoying what I'm doing while being true to myself are. Hmm, maybe I should really just start blaming myself, who says life is about living anyway

So I'm gonna mope for a little bit, it's what a true individualist self-centered American would do. I mean, I'm super lazy and I really don't care about anything that shit that makes me feel good anyway! 

Lastly, when it comes to the news, I'm gonna connect the dots a bit and say that I just need to not pay any attention to the conditions of people besides myself: Who cares about all the atrocities that are happening in the world? Who cares about those on a hunger strike in GITMO and California prisons? Who cares about drones being sent to Yemen? Who cares about war on Syria? Who gives a shit? It's not like they're using my money to do it...wait, ugh, nevermind!


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