A blog by Amanda Alcantara

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

What do you do when you are in the most amazing place in the world, and you don't feel amazing?



Paris has changed me. Europe has changed me. I still can't explain how, I actually can, but I feel like I talk enough about myself to explain it. It's like, being away from everything and everyone just makes you realize what YOU are all about as a person- it makes you realize who you are without being influenced by others. It helps you to see what makes you tick. I mean, I've always been in constant search for who I am and who I want to be. I think that everyone is, but I've never been sure of myself, nor of what I want in life. I have never been close to realizing who I am as a person, and how others see me. But now, I have been able to sort of see my life from another perspective. And I know, I know that I am blabbing about very general things right now, and it might not really make any sense. But, basically, I have learned more about me than about Europe. I have become more of friends with myself than other people. I realized, I am my own worst enemy. We are our own worst enemies- all because in times of pain, in times of trouble, it is so easy to give, to give in, to just let yourselves be sad than to actually fight to be happy. It is so easy to give in than to be happy. And it's okay to give up once in a while, because after sitting in a couch crying about life, you make yourself feel so guilty and so hopeless, that when you come back, you come back stronger than ever.  

In the middle of the semester I was wondering, what do you do when you are in the most amazing place in the world- the most amazing place in the world- and you don't feel amazing? I wasn't feeling amazing for quite some time. I have been dealing with a lot of confidence issues for over a year now, and it all needed to happen for me to see that the things that were making me happy before were all fake, they were making others happy, not me. And that kind of 'happiness' is ephemeral. All happiness is temporary, but when you pretend to smile, eventually, that smile begins to feel real. It begins to feel so real that you forgot whether or not it actually is or ever was. It is awesome to be a happy person- but it can be more detrimental to someone's character to pretend to be happy than to actually be. I realized so many things from my childhood that have impacted me now- it's sort of Freudian of me to think this way- but it's true, sometimes the smallest moments from your childhood- or the recurring things become a part of who you are, and it is hard to see this until you are left alone. It is hard to see this, until you are left alone and having to resort to your own coping mechanisms. Then, these coping mechanisms somehow become who you are. And I'm happy with who I am. I am happy with who I am, and who I want to be. And yes, I'm still talking about me and all about me and about nothing but me because this is my blog. 

I have tried sharing my experiences with my friends who are abroad, meaning back at home, but no one ever responds to my emails, only a few people, a few unexpected people, actually show a genuine interest. It takes being away from those you love and those who you thought loved you to realize who is willing to ride with you, and who is just hoping that your car will break down or slow down in the middle of the road so that they can advanced. So many people fake their enthusiasm for something happening in your life, so many people wish they were ahead instead of behind. I have noticed who the people that want to be ahead are, and I'm just going to quit acknowledging them and continue on my own road. Because, like I said, this is my blog, this is my life, I talk all I want, and I don't need to stop just so that you don't feel like you're being left behind. We are on the same road, and we have different life styles, so to me we are on the same path.

Anyways, I lost my train of thought, but basically what I'm trying to say is, I have been in the most amazing city in the world for 4 months, and being here does not mean I will automatically feel great. Everyone thinks that I should be having the most amazing time of my life all the time, but I'm not on vacation. I'm not on vacation, I am living here. It's like a 'pretend' life for a few months. You get happy, sad, angry, upset, excited, euphoric, and then there's the epic, surreal moments and the beauty of Europe that I have seen and will continue to see. But I am still here, the emotions are still here, it's just that now I get to manifest them around amazing architecture, incredible beauty, awesome people. The emotions are still here, I'm just in a different environment. 

This time, last year, everything was so different, I was so different. I was surrounded by different people, different environment, different ideas, different future goals. Now, I am a whole different me, well you might not see it, and you don't need to see it, but I most certainly do.

Ok, so I just finished rereading this, and this blog post seems to have no ending, it doesn't really have a conclusion. And I'm okay with that, because this journey has not ended, I have not won, I have not lost, I'm still just playing.

 Two more months left, and whole other stuff to see. I have unpublished post that I will finish editing shortly, enjoy ;) 

5 comments :

ele said...

Awww Amanda I love this post! And I love you too!

Rocio said...

I'm shocked! What a post!
The first thing I thought after reading this one is how mature you sound Mandy!
I understand you, after being transfered first to a different country and then to a different state you start to think along those lines you so wonderfully described above!
The opportunity to find out and distinguish the clutter from the important things in your life is priceless and not often comes a such as young age like you! I am very proud of you!!
Lots of love!
Rocio

Amanda Alcantara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I cant wait to see you and see what you are seeing with my won eyes!

Ingrid said...

This was a great post. Very thoughtful and enriching. It makes thinking about our own condition as human beings dealing with so many feelings, steps in our lives that sometimes we can get a little bit confused...
Anyway, I am sooooo happy meeting you mi dominicana prefirida. Let's hope we'll be able to share this journey together in Europe and also in the US yayyyyy :)

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